Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Loss and betrayal

It is with extreme regret that I report a death. No, the death isn't someone in my circle of family and friends. It is the death of a long relationship that I used to call a friendship. It is also the death of my own innocence. Isn't that something? Innocence at my age is a joke. By the time one reaches 60; innocence is a forgotten attribute.

Deaths of any kind are mourned as they should be. A loss is a loss no matter what the loss is. Usually I cry over a death and spend a lot of time wondering about deep metaphysical after-life possibilities. Not this time. My anger and hurt aced the crying and musing. This death was different because it ambushed me and left me struggling to breathe. Betrayal will do that to you.

It's hard to even think about, much less write about one's own vulnerability. This blog is cathartic in that it allows a certain amount of baring of my soul and exposing some thoughts that even those who know me well are surprised by.

Betrayal is an ugly word. Some things in life are sacred. Your family especially the children are sacred. Friends can become family. These statements are the truth. I have lived by them. I only wish that everyone would. The ugly truth is that not everyone does.

My once-upon-a-time friend didn't live by those words. She knowingly attacked someone close to me and kept up her barrage of lies and half-truths for over a year. The incident that started the attacks was unfortunate and could have been rectified, but the person in question chose to sink to a level that in my father's words was, "lower than a snake's belly". The lies and all the baggage they carried could have destroyed a very promising career, but instead they provided fuel for his fire. He rose above the lies and prospered. He made me proud. She didn't win that round nor the ones that followed. For that I am eternally thankful.

Me? I didn't fair as well. People lined up to say me, "I told you so." I had always defended her but now it was becoming clear to me that those who had once warned me about her toxic personality were right. I was bruised and hurt. No one had ever done anything like that to me! I have never "lost" a friend. Hell, I still have friends from first grade! There was a hole in my heart where once our friendship lived.

It has been two long years since the friendship ended. I still sometimes miss the friend and hope that she misses me, but we will never be friends again. I can not forgive nor forget the betrayal, nor will  I ever be the vulnerable innocent I once was. I believe that she has deep emotional problems. She has always had "family issues", like being estranged from her mother and siblings. The before me believed her when she told me about the problems with her family and friends. The after me knows firsthand that she was not the wronged one, but the wronger (Is that even a word?). It is her nature and possibly the sickness of her soul that makes her this way. I couldn't fix it nor can anyone. That part of this story is the saddest part.

Who will be the next victim? That is anyone's guess. I am reasonably sure that I nor my family will be next because we are off her radar. She didn't win and I know how much she likes to win. This was just a blip on the screen. We had all loved and embraced her. We, my family and I, had included her in family events and celebrations never one time doubting that she reciprocated our feelings for her. Our innocence is gone. We have recovered, however. We thrive and have vowed to never look back. She was a cancer that has been removed.

Time heals all wounds, or so I've been told. I hope that is true.